My chest felt tight, painfully so.
Everything hurt.
Why did it hurt?
This wasn’t the plan. I just wanted to get revenge on the turtles I didn’t want to die. I don’t want to die. It all hurt so much. That “other me” was destroying the black and white ones and now we were all going to die. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it-
I woke up gasping for air. My chest still hurt. Was I still dying? I tightly gripped onto something. My cape? I looked down and saw that it was just my bedsheets. Casting my gaze around the room, I could see that I was just in my own bedroom.
Slowly, my breathing evened out, and I tried to recompose myself. My chest was aching, probably because I was hyperventilating in my sleep, and it still felt like my thoughts were racing. It had been that same nightmare again for the fourth time this week. Every single time, the feeling of almost not existing, being torn apart atom by atom, dying and my lungs suddenly ceasing to function, it terrified me. I could feel myself being torn apart again and again and again, my whole body feeling like it was both freezing and being set on fire at the same time.
My whole body was shaking still, suppose that should be expected after…that…
I sighed, none of the other “mes” would be having this problem. None of them would be waking up at night, on the verge of tears, over a silly nightmare. None of them would be shaking from this. None of them would even be having these nightmares. I’m the only one. I’m the only one who is like this.
I don’t know why the universe decided to play this cosmic joke on me, make me the one that no other timeline would take seriously, that no one in their right minds would actually respect. Or maybe the universe isn’t playing, and I’m the one that is a cosmic joke. I’m the “decaf” version after all.
I’m not intimidating or scary, at most I can maybe frighten someone for a little bit, but it never lasts. I used to consider myself brilliant to some extent, but compared to every other version of me, I don’t think I’m all that smart. I think the red octopus version of me was right, I am a fool, because compared to the rest of them, I’m stupid.
Here I thought all this time that I was some genius that could take over the world someday, but that’s not going to happen. My schemes are impractical and silly, and none of them ever work. I kidnap the same person every week and at this point I think she’s only sticking around to either entertain my plan, or she just wants to get a good story for her news station. The other versions of me actually succeed at what they set out to do, but me, constant failures left and right.
I can’t believe Krang actually can stand me, I figured an alien warlord would want someone competent, but I suppose to him I’m more like Bebop or Rocksteady. Well meaning but utterly useless. I’m his idiot mutant. Makes sense, I’m the idiot after all. The idiot who thought that maybe somewhere out in the multiverse, there was a version of myself that would be excited to team up and get revenge on enemies that weren’t even his. What was I thinking? What kind of moron thinks like that?
I was excited like a child trying to make friends, and all that ended up happening was that my allies, enemies, and the whole world were put in danger because of my stupid decisions. How could I have been so naive? Here I thought the Punk Frogs were naive but no I’m apparently even moreso.
What does that even make me? Some stupid, moronic, naive idiot who decided to play with reality because I thought I was smart and intimidating and a decent villain. But no I can’t even be evil right.
Huh… I hadn’t even noticed when I started crying. Just add that to the list of reasons I’m a substandard villain. I’m a crybaby and everyone knows it. All the universes we’ve gone to know it, everyone here knows it. I’m pathetic, inadequate, laughable. Sometimes I wish whoever animated us would just get it over with and add the laugh track in so that at least then I could tell when I was being a fool.
I did my best to muffle a sob, I didn’t want to risk waking anyone in the Technodrome up. It didn’t help and I just ended up crying harder, stupid tears rolling down my face. I drew my knees up to my chest and buried my face in the blanket. I didn’t even know anymore.
I’m the worst version of myself out in the multiverse, and everyone knows it. Maybe if I was like that red octopus, I could be taken seriously, or maybe if I was scary like the “2012” version. Maybe if I was even the least bit threatening or actually smart. But no, I’m decaf. I’m the comic relief. I’m the one that every universe laughs at because they could do better than me in their sleep.
My sobs were wracking my body now, and I couldn’t keep them muffled anymore. Now I was audibly crying ( pathetic) and someone probably was going to wake up. I didn’t care anymore.
A few minutes of me sobbing later, I heard the door to my room open.
“Why in the name of all that is evil are you being annoying at this time of night? This warlord needs his beauty sleep!” Krang barked at me.
Normally, I might’ve tried to be smart and quip something back. But I’m stupid and just kept sobbing, running my hands across my face and trying to erase those stupid tears. To my surprise, Krang’s expression softened.
“Shredder? What’s going on?”, all I could do was shake my head in response. Krang made his way to my bedside in his bubble walker. I was shaking worse now, trying desperately to curl in on myself and disappear. That dumb idea would work just about as well as my other schemes.
“You don’t have to tell me, but does this have anything to do with that trip to the 2012 timeline we were on recently?” I nodded, too distraught to say anything. Krang looked pensive for a moment before he continued.
“And would the turtles or villains of that timeline have said anything that particularly stuck with you to cause this?” I nodded again, trying to catch my breath enough to talk.
“It’s more- it’s- it’s more of when we went to the one with the alien guy.” I finally managed to get out, “He was right, about me being a fool. You were right too. Everyone is right about me, their universe just proved it. Every other ‘me’ is scary and evil, but what am I? A stupid pathetic joke.” The last bit came out with more venom than I thought I could muster.
“And I keep feeling like I’m dying. Over and over. Just the sensation of waking up and feeling like my heart has been ripped out but I’m still breathing it hurts.” I could feel my chest start to ache again, heartbeat increasing.
“The universe hates me. I almost killed everyone, I almost killed you, and yet you haven’t gotten rid of me. You could’ve hired that one girl. Should’ve replaced me ages ago. Why haven’t you gotten rid of me yet? You’ve said it before yourself, I’m an imbecile.” I was fully crying again, now partially out of embarrassment.
I covered my face, trying desperately to calm any part of my body. I was shaking terribly and must’ve looked so stupid. Unexpectedly, I felt Krang’s tentacles reach up and grab my face. He gently coaxed my hands down, and he used one of his tentacles to wipe away some of my tears, the other sort of cupping my face.
“Shredder, how long has this been bothering you?”
“Since we went out of universe the first time when we all almost died.”
Krang looked thoughtful for a moment, before concern overtook his features.
“You’ve been having that nightmare since then? Shredder, that was ages ago! Why didn’t you tell anyone? I could’ve done something!” He went on, “And furthermore, I wouldn't have continued saying those things to you if I had known how much they were upsetting you! I didn’t realize you were taking those to heart, as humans put it. Do you really think you’re stupid?”
I thought for a second, then nodded. After all, I was the cosmic joke. Krang looked saddened by this, much to my surprise.
“You? Stupid? The one who created my android body. The one who figured out mutagen? The one who created a reverse mutagen ray? Who is able to manipulate his way into and out of things so convincingly that even the police have forgotten you’re a wanted criminal before? Who repairs the Technodrome every time something goes wrong? Stupid? Absolutely not.”
I could only stare. I hadn’t thought Krang cared that much to be honest. I started to argue back, but he cut me off.
“No ‘buts’. You are my second in command and are far more brilliant than you’ve been giving yourself credit for as of late. I should’ve said it sooner, but I appreciate you so much Saki, and you are good at what you do.”
I felt my eyes grow hot with tears again, but this time, they were from hope. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t the universe’s comic relief. Maybe Krang was right. The ache in my chest had finally begun to fade, and my shaking slowed. I leaned into Krang’s “hand”, closing my eyes as my breath finally evened out. My mind was quiet for the first time all night.
“Now, would you like me to stay?”, Krang said. It didn’t sound like he was going to leave anytime soon either way. I nodded, and he climbed onto the bed with me. It was oddly comforting, knowing that he was right there, and that both of us were alive. As I finally fell back to sleep, Krang leaning against me, for the first time in a while, I felt at peace.